Hi, I am Carrie, a recovering alcoholic and now a recovering/grieving mom who lost her youngest son to the disease of alcohol.
First, I'd love to thank Skye and The Realm Team for placing this new category up. I had began my story on another thread entitled "My Tragedy", and I didn't wanna hog all the beautiful support.
Some here know the story of my Daniel. It was on March 10th, of 2008 when every parent who struggles while watching their child in active addiction,dreads to receive. My son had died. It was his brother whom had phoned me and I could barely make out what he was saying. The only part I could get was "dan dead", it was then I dropped the phone and fell to my knee's. Screaming "Oh God no, please God no no no no!" I barely recall the rest.
Dan was my youngest son, he was 23 years of age, he and I had been on the 'outs' since I had began to set boundaries. He had struggled with addiction for roughly 5 years. At one point, he was hospitalized for shooting cocaine, and had was down to 86 lbs! I took my son to his very first AA meeting. I did an intervention and he went to treatment. He did stop using the cocaine, and merely traded it for alcohol.
I know I cannot be the 'only' mom in recovery whom has lost a child. I also believe that those of us in Recovery know someone who has died due to this disease. I hope to gain some support, and I truly would love to help anyone here that I can. I do not want my son's death to be in vain. If I can help just ONE person, just one, this will all be worth it, and I mean that from my soul.
It's painful to talk about, but there is, for me, healing in 'sharing'.
On the other thread I had promised that I would keep the Realm Family up to date on his autopsy. (I barely even recall writing that thread)
I did get his autopsy report. His Blood Alcohol Content was near comatose level when he died. The coroner ruled his death : Suicide by Hanging. It also said that he had aspirational pnuemonia, and having researched that, I found out that it is brought on by alcoholism. I do NOT believe my son meant to die. He had a girlfriend which he had just broke up with. While he tried to stop drinking she refused to believe he was an alcoholic. Often she would tell him "Come on can't you just have one? Even at dinner?" Dan would tell her "I am an alcoholic, I cannot have just one of anything."
As time went by, he got almost 30 days sober. He called me and had (in his words, cuz he stopped attending mtgs) "fell off the wagon." He was filled with remorse and could not get beyond his past. That's why WE need the 12 steps, but he did not chose to do that. He chose, instead, to try to stop on his own willpower. We know that usually does not have a great outcome.
I worried so much about my son. Day in and out, I worried. I'd hang out in the chat room just to find some solace from the head racing I had going on. See, I knew I was going to bury my child, I knew it. Yet, when it happened, I simply refused to believe it. I still find it hard to believe and it's been close to one year now.
The shock of losing a loved one, at times, can cause our brain to overload and 'protect' us from being overtaken by pain to hard to grasp.
I would like to share this: During the first month my child died, I had what I called 'sober blackouts', the therapists called it : Disaccociated. By that I mean, I would suddenly 'come to' in different rooms of my home, I came to once in my spare room, on my knee's, I guess I went in there to pray, and fell asleep? Another time, I had came to standing over top of my stove, all 4 burners going, but nothing on the stove. Yes, I felt like I had lost it. My therapist told me that I was suffering also from PTSD.
My son left behind 4 children. Currently, the 2 little girls of his and their mom are living with me. I believe God sent them here, because my hubby works nights, and I needed someone.
Ya know, I may not recall much after Daniel's death, but, I have journals, I have this site, and others where I go. I blog on myspace and on yahoo360.
I do my best to live in today. I am just now really coming out of the darkest time in my life. I loved my son, omgosh, how I love him still. The pain, the agony, the grief, it comes now, in waves.
I have heard some pretty harsh things, in a lot of places, by a lot of people. I've been told "you need to forget him, so you can live" and I've also been told in a f2f mtg "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" let me say this: I hold no ill will towards those who have made such insensitive and cruel remarks. I do as the program says, I now pray for them. I pray NOBODY has to ever feel this kind of pain. But reality is, there will be more whom do.
I earnestly hope and pray that anyone reading this knows, we here at the Realm CARE!!!! There has been NO ill comments to me here. I had 3 and a half years sober, and the 2nd month after my son died I drank. Dagnabit, I so wanted to be the one with the testimoney that I went through my loss and never picked up. I don't have that testimoney. What I DO have is support now. I have it in a lot of places. Meetings, friends, church, and here! Man I cannot stress enough the love and acceptance when I had to admitt that I blew it.
What I did not expect was to still be loved. Yet, it was here that I received the MOST help, and I am sincere when I say that. The people here opened arms of love, and encouraged me to 'get up' and not just lay there. They have told me what I needed to hear, and done so in much love.
I am thankful for this site! I cannot say that enough. I am thankful for this new place here that they opened up so that ANYONE who EVER lost anyone to this disease, or are just grieving a loss, can come and perhaps open up and get some encouragement.
I could go on and on, yet it's late, I'm tired, and I know when it is time to shushh, lol...
So again, THANK YOU REALM!!!!
I look forward to seeing and receiving the newbies, and those who just need a kind word to get them through. I know there are some who are housebound and cannot get out. Here now is a place for 'us' to come. To reflect, to offer help and to encourage each other.
May God continue to bless us as we trudge this happy road TOGETHER....much love, Carrie S. Rest in Peace my baby boy:
Daniel T. Dob: 5-15-84
Went to rest with the angels on: 3-10-08
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