A close friend of mine is at the crossroads in an Alanon situation – she asked me for support – here is a part of my reply to her – I hope that what I shared with her might help some one here.

Check into the realm - there is some good support there. There might also be some other Alanon sites. You will need support from people who have been through what you are getting into.

You are going against a lot of learned behavior, habits - developed instincts - and it will take a lot of effort to do this. You will find yourself facing a lot of fear - mostly in the form of anxiety - fear of the unknown. You are venturing into new territory for you. But it is not uncharted territory. There have been others who have gone there before you. I have and so have lot of those folks from Alanon, CoDA, ACA and other recovery groups.

Right now you see the habits you formed, the care taking, attentions seeking/intimacy avoiding, rescuing, crisis creating/managing, as being what define you. But those are just the habits you developed and the things you are doing to try to feel normal. They are from your past but are keeping you from being fully functional the present and the future you deserve, one that is filled with true happiness, joy and freedom.

The habits you use are from natural instincts that have become twisted, read the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of AA for a deeper explanation. These instincts have become twisted to enable you to survive and function and a dysfunctional environment - the one you grew up in. Those twisted instincts enabled you to avoid pain and to function with the insane behavior of your parents, the other adults in your childhood and the environment they created.

If you had been raised in a jungle your instincts would have evolved to enable you to survive there, it is our intelligence that enables us to do that. There is nothing wrong with that.

You learned to do what you needed to do to survive in the environment you were raised in - it's not wrong, weak, sinful, evil, stupid or anything to be ashamed of doing. I did the same, as did anyone else who grew up in the madness of a home where addictive or mentally/emotionally unstable people or unstable situations dominated daily living.

Adapting to your environment is intelligent - it what has enabled the human race to survive in almost every corner of this planet.

Congratulations! You survived in a difficult and dangerous environment - the one of your childhood.

But you are now moving out of that world of childhood into a larger one, one with different rules and conditions. To be functional in it you need to adapt to it - learn new skills and develop new instincts.

If I were heading into a jungle or other environment that was new to me I would want some books telling me about it and some local guides that know it.

Well the recovery material you can find will help you adapt from the mad environment where you grew up into the somewhat saner one of the rest of the world. There are also a lot of native guides out there - you will find them in Alanon meetings and other healthy places.

Do not run from the fear you will feel - it's natural - challenge it instead. Find out what is true in the world around you and within you.

You do not need to be responsible for taking care of someone else's screwed up life. It has been your ways of avoiding dealing with you own life, a life that is filled with some challenges and many, many rewards.

There is beauty and power within you - some of it others can see already- much of it waiting for you to discover and embrace.

I see in you a beautiful and powerful person who has already done some difficult things and who can accomplish so many other wonderful ones. All you need to do is to learn to "retune" those instincts and sort the truth from the trash in your life.

You are embarking on a wondrous journey out of the darkness and into the light.

Know that you need never walk that path alone and that an incredible person is waiting for you along the way - the You that you can become.