Other people's actions need not affect us.

Our program friends are showing us how to detach from other people and their problems. We have learned we aren't the cause of a family member's alcoholism or the never-ending trauma in a friend's life, though our family and friends may try to blame us for their difficulties. The program teaches us that we don't have the power to make others go against their will. But when others cast blame our way, it's been our nature to absorb it. Now we are learning how to refuse the blame.

Part of the problem is our desire to be liked. The anger or criticism that's directed at us hurts. Few people are wholly immune to barbs from others. Even strangers can trigger reactions in us. But we can change - we can learn detachment. Our program friends are good role models. Daily we can work at letting whatever someone else says or does roll off us. In time, detachment will become our nature.

I will ask my sponsor for help if I let someone get to me today.

(A Life of My Own - Karen Casey)

But where is the line drawn? I have seen 12 steppers just inhale this subject and form an attitude that makes them feel as if they no longer have to accept blame for ANYTHING! If someone gets mad at them they can just hang up the phone and say"it's not my problem." If they say something mean and someone's feelings get hurt they say I am not responsible for how you feel. Detatching from other people's problems is all fine until you can no longer admit that you might be part of that problem. Yes, we are all responsible for our own emotions, feelings, and reactions. But we are also responsible for treating others as we would want to be treated. Total detatchment is still denial in my opinion. Would it be so bad to actually admit we might be wrong about something or realize that things we do or say do have an affect on people around us? That's not trying to have power over others. That's just being responsible and commited to healthy relationships. Does anybody get what I'm trying to say?

Yes.  The difference I see is simple not always easy.  If someone is upset with me for something I did. Then I dont have to own their feelings but I do have to own my part of the problem and If I care about the person.  then I would want to work out the problem.  If this same person is angry but it isnt about something I have done.  Then I have to allow them to be angry but I don't have to accept their hurtful words or actions.  I dont have to escalate the conflict.  I just can allow them to feel what ever it is they feel and allow myself not to be hurt or upset by their anger.  I can detatch.  I deserve better than to be someones doormat or punching bag for their emotional release.

Yes.  The difference I see is simple not always easy.  If someone is upset with me for something I did. Then I dont have to own their feelings but I do have to own my part of the problem and If I care about the person.  then I would want to work out the problem.  If this same person is angry but it isnt about something I have done.  Then I have to allow them to be angry but I don't have to accept their hurtful words or actions.  I dont have to escalate the conflict.  I just can allow them to feel what ever it is they feel and allow myself not to be hurt or upset by their anger.  I can detatch.  I deserve better than to be someones doormat or punching bag for their emotional release.