Hi all, I am new here and looking for friends and support in this tough time in my life. I have an alcoholic step-son who will be 24 tomorrow. He was kicked out of the Army this past April and hasn't worked since. He is living in a hotel not far from our house and is burning through the last of an inheritance which will be gone within a few months.

He is an angry, selfish person with a lifetime of addiction. I have done everything I am able to for him but will not enable him any longer. A part of me still loves him but honestly I am to the point where I wish he was anywhere that was far, far away from us. He threatened me last month while drunk on the phone because I wont let him live with us.

If it was up to his dad (who enables him 100%) he would be living here forever. He and his dad blame everything he does on Post Tramatic Stress from the army but honestly this is exactly how he has always been. Our younger son (step-son) is very loving and smart, enrolled in college and employed, has his life totally together all on his own. I don't know how they can be so different.

How bad is my home life right now? Example is Saturday night my husband and I were relaxing and watching a movie together and Bruce calls to get a ride to a "no tell motel" and my husband jumps up, gets dressed and never questions why he is going (sex or drugs) We fought before he left and I told him he would not live forever and if he wasn't around to enable Bruce  he would have not a single life skill to his name. He wont work, nothing, sits around a parties and smokes. Thats it. My husband has become his dog, jumping to do whatever he wants. My Husband told me "I will do anything I can for him (enabling) and you just want him dead to make your life easier". I was shocked! he left, came back and acted like the fight never happened and never apologized.

I feel hopeless here, I have nowhere else to go and am trapped by physical issues and fear. I think my step-son would like me to die so he could move in here (just about told me that last month not is so many words) and anything that was good and relaxed in my marriage is tense and unhappy. My husband loves me but I guess he loves his son alot more. I don't want it to be a me against him thing but that is what it has turned into somehow.  My husband loves me, I know he does but our love life is non-exsistant now, I feel angry all the time and he is always late from work to tote Bruce around. I just feel sick. Thursday night we are going to marriage counseling (my suggestion)

Sorry I just need to get everything off my chest.

Thanks for listening

Holly,

I am new here also, as of today. I am in no position to offer advice, however, being on the outside of the box looking in to what you are sharing, I can offer some suggestions from personal experience and gained knowledge about alcoholism. First I would seek counseling as you said you were, but be careful of your expectations in the two of you going to counseling. Your husband may not be receptive. You can not change another person, However you can change yourself, and when you do, others around you are forced to change, and if they don't, then you will become strong enough within yourself to do what you need to do for yourself. When your actions are no longer predictable something has to break. I would also seek an Al Anon meeting, in your area, for support. Secondly try to understand that what your step son is going through is not a moral issue. It' s a disease. He is not a bad person trying to be good, but a sick person, who needs to get well. Your husband may be enabling him out of guilt for whatever reason, which he needs to explore, but sounds as though he is in denial. An alcoholic in a family creates a sickness through out the entire family.
I have been in a similar situation as far as the role of a step parent and it's very touchy, as being a step parent means we don't have the same rights as a parent to speak up, although I believe that is wrong and a sign of a lack of communication & respect between you and your husband. Tough Love is very difficult, saying No is very difficult. I agree, it sounds though he is enabling, and until that stops and your step son reaches his bottom there will be no change. Again, You can only change yourself. I hope you find the support here, and at face to face meetings, such as Al Anon. I hope my words were of help.

Zbeth

As an active alcoholic since age 13 (from a non alchoholic, stable home, 2 LOVING, CARING, professional people, who wanted nothing but the best for me, I am now 50 years old, single no kids (pfew), healthy, & finally sober for 6 months (nov 10, 2009).  Through AA & a finally very good therapist (I went through enough programs & professionals since the age of 13 to know a good one when I see one!!!... lol (humour helps...)... your story concerning your stepson's addictions & how his disease is turning your entire family upside down, deeply moved me.

Perhaps I am at a point in my sobriety, where the fog has lifted & I find myself reflecting on all the people around me that I have hurt so much.... especially my immediate family.... mom, dad, my brother, sis in law, 2 nieces.... They could all see I was self-destructing (although I never would have admitted to it... it was my life & I could do what I wanted with it), and by getting me out of scrapes financially, legally, standing by me while in detox, trying to hide from their friends the fact that I had a very grave problem, the shame & humiliation I must have put them through, they were unknowingly "enabling" me to continue down a very alarming path.  The remorse is both unbearable yet keeps me sober, because I want them to know the best part of me before they age too much (they are somehow healthy & 74 despite the constant worry I have caused them in my 37-year drinking career).

If it is of any comfort, you are the sane one in this whole situation.  You are able to see that no matter what you do to help, there is not only no improvement in your stepson's behaviour, but his condition is deteriorating.  Your husband is so consumed by saving his drowning son that he does not realize he is dealing with the addiction and not with the person his son "use" to be before he started abusing substances of whatever kind.  His loving self is now just a shell of a boy craving his next "high".  Sad part is that until he decides he can't take that shell of a life on his own, there is nothing anybody else can do.... except maybe to educate yourself on how not to feel guilty by saying "enough is enough".... the rest of the family relationships need to survive first!!!!!  Maybe al-anon could help your husband see that what he is doing is not helping but enabling.  ...

If I may... you may feel like you are alone in your situation, but by attending information sessions with people who are living in "your shoes" (and believe it or not.... alot worse!)...there are millions of families in North America alone dealing with the shame of a family member with an addiciton of some kind, whether it be food, gambling, drugs, alcohol... You will probably meet people from your own community at those meetings, who you would never have dreamed could be living the turmoil you are now facing!!!!

Enough of my wisdom... Someday, perhaps your stepson will look back on what he has done to the family & make up for it by cleaning up his life.  My thoughts & prayers go out to you....

Diane K