I don't know if anyone will respond or give me advice. I am is dire need of help and direction and there are no Alanon meetings in my area.

I just had a blow up with my husband. A little background, he was married with two sons and an abusive addict wife. They got a divorce and she didn't want the kids, he got custody. She spiraled into her addictions and self destruction and ultimatly killed herself (and almost two other people) by gassing herself in her car.

Enter me three years AD, after loosing my little brother (murdered) and my mother (cancer) I marry and move with an instant family, a new husband and a bright, cheery 8 year old and a 12 year old that hates the world. My husband always doted on the troubled boy and jumped everytime he snapped his fingers because he had "problems", he was never disiplined and left to his own devices, basically ruled the house until I moved in. I wont lie, we butted heads over and over and I cried a bucket of tears over things. My husband and I almost broke up a few times over the older boy. through it all I still loved him but was helpless against him and his influence. He started doing drugs and drinking when he was 16, by 18 and last year of school he got trust from his mothers will and quickly snorted and drank 14,000 dollars down the drain. All this time his dad did a blind eye and didn't listen to me and what I was seeing.  Lets call my step-son "Evan", Evan got more and more violent, stopped going to school and we through him out fearing for our safety.

fast forward he joins the army, before that he has a melt down with me where he cries and opens up with all his pain and hurt and we talked and talked. I thought it was a huge breakthrough. Fast forward to 3 years later of his holiday visits drunk and angry, worse than ever and then he is thrown out.

Now he is living in a hotel on what little is left of his $$ and uses his dad as a lap dog. He calls and no matter what time it is hubby jumps like a machine and runs out to drive him around, bring him everywhere. He is a raging alcoholic, is not in a treatment program etc. He called me drunk last month and called me an "obstacle" so I have been sleeping with a knife in my nightstand.

I was angry that he jumped up to give him around again tonight to a party or something and I told him it upset me. He said he didn't want Even to end up like his mother and I said "driving him to a hotel wont help him!" He snapped at me "you just want him dead so you don't have to deal with him anymore" and said he was going to save him.

Our marriage is so shakey, we love each other but this is killing me, I have health issues and can't spend my life upset anymore. I have no options, no place to go, knowone to lean on, I am so unhappy and don't know what to do.

As you may or may not know, the addict (no matter what they are addicted to) will not stop until they are ready. For many this means losing their loved ones, jobs, homes, children, and on and on.

As sad as it sounds, the addict is controlled by their drug of choice, whether it be alcohol, coke, pot, or even cigarettes....

This control is enormous, and until the addict decides to quit, they can't. There is no amount of pressuring or ultimatiums that can help.

They won't do it until they are ready.

Sometimes it takes an enormous loss before they realize that their drug of choice has a hold of them and they are ready to commit to sobriety.

Your husbands actions are not that of a saviour, there is nothing he can do to save his son, unless his son wants saving.

Your husband is either ridden with guilt or in denile, purhaps both, over his son  but either way he is only helping his son into an early grave.

So many of us don't wash our hands of our loved ones, and this constitutes enabling.

Isolating yourself  from the craziness and abuse of your alcoholic step son is something which takes a great deal of courage, and it is something which will pay dividends in the future.


The hard fact about chemical dependency is that it ruptures families.  Blood may be thicker than water, but it isn't thicker than booze.  Or drugs.  That's just the way it is. 

We may not like it, but that's the way it is.  Keeping a chemically dependent person in our life may be the ruin of our life.


Enough is enough.  You must protect yourself and your younger step son.  Aside from the obvious, there is another simple reason to keep your older step son away from his brother. 

The fireman's son becomes a firerman.  If your children grow up around an addict/drunk, it will be familiar. They may accept this behaviour as normal and may accept a potential mate with the same problem.

Even though this is hard, it is something which must be done. It's like getting a needle for rabies.  It's going to hurt, but it absolutely must be done

Contact everyone you think could help you.  That includes government services, career counselors, women's centers, churches, and an attorney.  Look into every possible type of assistance. 

Your goal is to get yourself and your younger stepson out of the control of an abusive drunk.  Keep your eye on the goal.  If you go to an organization or individual, and their goal is not the same as yours, move on to the next possibility.

If you and your son leave, then you control your fate, not a bottle of liquor. 

Often in life we are handed 50 pounds of dog poo to clean up.  The hardest part is deciding where to start and having the heart to begin.

Hollyjoe

I can agree with everything said above.

I’m a recovering alcoholic/addict. I am also a recovering Codependent/Adult Child of an Alcoholic. For me my program of recovery has a lot of ground to cover.

My current wife and I have been together for over 15 years and between us we have 4 adult children and a whole boatload of folk that call us Mom and Dad.

My X wife is an addict and has destroyed her life. She is now in a wheel chair permanently living in 1999. She can not even recognize her own children. One of her brothers was an out of control alcoholic who died as a direct result of his madness. The rest of the family… well you get the picture.

My sons were raised mostly in that family (she got custody because her lawyer was better than mine). They were a part of the family dysfunction for many years, my youngest choses to remain a part of it.

My wife’s x is an active alcoholic/addict. It has defiantly had an effect on the girls.

Now my wife and I have to function with them.

My oldest has married, and is in the middle of divorcing, a girl just like his mom. My youngest son calls me occasionally from where ever he is, usually blasted out his mind, suicidal, crying about how messed up his life is, or talking about how he wants a relationship with me and how he wants my help.

Our oldest daughter is in a relationship with a very out of control addict, calls me occasionally asking me if there is such a thing as a “social alcoholic” because the only time she really gets drunk is when she is out with her friends…

Our youngest has some mental/emotional problems that have had her on the edge of suicide and occasionally telling me that she is going to stab me in my sleep...

Among our “adopted” kids, one has died to a heroin overdose, a couple of other have disappeared and we have not heard from them in years, a couple of others are raging in their addictions. Others are either living fairly well adjusted healthy lives or doing OK. One is sober 6 years now in AA, another has bounced in and out of the program and a third is getting comfortable in her Alanon program.

I have also been trained in and worked in the recovery field for a few years.

I tell you this so that you know this is not some “by the book” advice or the advice of someone who has not been there and experienced it.

I have been in recovery for 19 years now and in a few days will be celebrating my own 19^th sober birthday.

The advice you got above is right on the money. You need to rally all the support you can to take care of yourself first, because if you go down you will do no one around you any good and the grim truth is you are honestly the only one you have enough power over to help.

Your husband may or may not ever “get it”. There are a lot of good books and programs out there that could help him - if he wants the help. I know many who are as addicted to the role of rescuerer or victim as the alcoholic or junkie are addicted to thier fix.

Much the same with your younger son, if he is past his early, formative years, your affect on his life will have its limits.

You said there are no Alanon meeting near you. This site has some good support and I believe there are others out there. You can also try to organize your own local face to face meeting. If there is alcohol where you are, there are alcoholics. And where there are alcoholics there is a need for Alanon.

One other possible course for you and your husband is to discuss marriage counseling.

My X wife and I went several times and although it did not seem to do her any good it opened some doors for me. If your other half is receptive to it the counseling may provide the ways and means for him to begin to come to terms with his own feelings of guilt/shame involved in his previous wife’s death, his son’s issues and possible even looking back to some original issues.

I know for me, my patterns of rescuing and trying to save hopeless cases was a part of my trying to save my own mother and father from their madness and to save my childhood. Much of it was me following patterns of behavior that never did function and were only dragging my life into deeper levels of madness.

I had to choose to change. Just as your husband must chose for himself.

If you do what you need to do to restore some sanity to your personal life it might have an affect on your husband, son and others around you. But even if it does not, it will give you the ability to deal with the insanity around you in ways that will enable you to not just survive it but to grow through it.

You have my prayers and support.

Thank you so much for responding. I was at a pretty low point that night your advice was wonderful and made me feel I am not the only person in the world that is going through these things!

Luckily my youngest step-son (well my son!) is 19, decided long long ago that he himself was going to make his own life wonderful despite his rough start and his brothers addictions and anger. He is very smart and is in his second year of engineering school and plans to do his third year in Germany. He has his life 100% together so no worries with him.

Unfortunatly he has distanced himself from us because of his brother. I can feel him pulling away and is contact with us is less and less all the time. I miss him so much because I raised him since he was 8 and he calls me mom. I love him dearly.

I don't know what to do about my husband, I love him and he treats me well except for this thing with his son which makes an otherwise intelligent human with his life together to turn into an idiot.

I imagine you have been through something simular, how did you deal with it all?

How did I deal with it? Or truthfully still deal with it? One word - ALANON.

As to the marriage counseling .

It should provide a safe environment for the two of you to talk out what is going on and probably provide that third person’s perspective to help you guys work it out.

I can relate to your feelings about your husband. My wife stuck with me as I worked through some of the most difficult parts of my recovery including my “melt down” to PTSD, the passing of my grandmother (who raised me) and all the BS my father pulled around that time.

She has been my rock during some hard times.

But there were times when her rescuing tendency and some of the problems that came with it made it necessary for me to put some distance between us. I had to let her make her mistakes and learn from them. I have also had to learn the phrase “I told you so” is a great way to end up sleeping on the couch. I have also learned the hard way that stepping between a parent and a child they think needs rescuing is about the same as getting between a momma bear and her cub. It’s not a matter of logic but one of feelings and instinct.

If you read the 12X12 of Alcoholics Anonymous it speaks about those same instincts and how they can become twisted.

Ruthie and I have had to learn about respecting each other’s beliefs and desires even when we do not agree.

That level of mutual respect, allowing each other to work through our stuff, but being open and honest in the process, has enabled us to stay together through it all. We have learned to agree to disagree on things. We talk over the things we disagree about and accept the other person’s decisions.

I can’t tell you what will or will not work for you. All I can do is share what has worked for me.

My prayers are with you.

A very big nod to what Vinnie said.