"You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism." - Erma Bombeck
"The best way to enhance freedom in other lands is to demonstrate here that our democratic system is worthy of emulation" - Jimmy Carter
"Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony." - Robert Benchley
"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious." - Oscar Wilde
"What we call 'Progress' is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance." - Havelock Ellis
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little." - George Carlin
Bridge Building
Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 30 years of living side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labour and goods as needed without a hitch. Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on the older brother's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work" he said. "Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there. Could I help you?"
"Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbour, in fact, it's my younger brother. Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber curing by the barn? I want you to build me a fence -- an 8-foot fence -- so I won't need to see his place anymore. Cool him down, anyhow."
The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you." The older brother had to go to town for supplies, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge -- a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work, handrails and all -- and the neighbour, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.
"You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."
The two brothers met at the middle of the bridge, embracing one another. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder. "No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.
"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but I have so many more bridges to build."
Quotes That Make You Think (...by Mark Twain)
Most writers regard truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
The proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
The secret to success in life is to make your vocation your vacation.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
When in doubt, tell the truth. You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Farmer Jones
After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank. "Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don't take my farm, we'll be broke and homeless."
The bank manager comes up with an idea. "OK, one more chance but not with crops. No one fails at pig farming so we'll finance the purchase of five sows to start you off. Your neighbour down the road has a boar pig and you'll have to take your sows to him so the boar can service them. In a few months you should have a bunch of little piglets all ready for market.
Farmer Jones collects the five sows, loads them into his pickup truck, drives to his neighbour and unloads the five sows into the boar's pen. They then go back to the farm house and have a couple of beers.
When enough time has passed they go back to the boar's pen and load five happy sows into the pickup. Farmer Jones asks, "What if it didn't take?"
"That never happens with my boar," replies the neighbour.
"But how can I tell for sure?"
"Look, tomorrow morning observe your sows. If they're rolling in the mud, it took, if they're on the grass, call me."
The following morning farmer Jones observed his sows strolling on the grass. He calls his neighbour who instructs him to bring them back. He rounds them up, loads them into the pickup and drives to the boar'spen where the whole process is repeated.
Unlucky farmer Jones has to load them in the pickup and take them back four times. On the fifth morning he is so worried he can't look. He stalls for half an hour then asks his wife to look. "I hope they're not on the grass, dear."
"Well they're not," says his wife.
"Oh finally, then they're rolling in the mud!" exclaimed the farmer.
"No..."
"Well what are those fool sows doing?
"Well, four are trying to climb into the pickup and the fifth managed to climb into the cab and is trying to honk the horn!!!"