FINANCIAL REPONSIBILITY
Some codependents become financially dependent on other people. Sometimes this is by agreement; for example, a wife stays home and raises the children while the husband works and provides the money. Sometimes this is not the agreement. Some codependents become so victimized that we believe we cannot take care of ourselves financially. Many codependents were, at one time, financially responsible, but as alcoholism or another problem progressed in a loved one we simply became too upset to work. Some of us just gave up: "If you don't care about the money, then neither do I."
Sometimes, codependents become financially responsible for other adults. I have frequently seen a codependent wife work two or even three jobs, while her husband brings home not a penny - yet he continues to eat, watch television, and live rent free.
Neither way is preferable. Each person is financially responsible for him or herself as well as in all other ways. That does not mean housewives have to work at paying jobs to be financially responsible. Homemaking is a job, a heroic and admirable one. If that is what a man or woman chooses to do, then I believe that person is earning his or her share. Being financially responsible also does not mean all things have to be equal. Assuming financial responsibility for oneself is an attitude. It means figuring out exactly what our responsibilities are, then setting out to take care of those responsibilities. It also means we allow --even insist--other people be financially responsible for themselves. That includes becoming familiar with all areas of one's finances and deciding which task belongs to which person. Which bills need to be paid? When? When are taxes due? How much money has to last for how long? What's our part in all this? Are we doing less or more than our appropriate share? If it is not our responsibility to hold a salaried, do we at least understand we may someday need to work? Do we feel financially responsible for ourselves? Or does this frighten us? Are the people around us assuming appropriate financial responsibility for themselves, or are we doing it for them?
Taking care of money is part of life. Earning money, paying bills, and feeling financially responsible is part of taking care of ourselves. Many codependents who have quit a job to control a spouse or who have otherwise centered their lives around a person and neglected their own careers, have discovered even a low-paying, part-time job does wonders for their self-esteem. We forgot we are worth money and someone will actually pay for our abilities. Many of us codepenedents, who have been financailly dependent on a spouse, also like the freedom of having our own money. It's called a good feeling. It's something to think about as we begin living our own lives.
Being financailly dependent on a person can trigger emotional dependency. Emotional dependency on a person can trigger financial dependency. Becoming financially responsible for ourselves-- however we accomplish that--can help trigger undependence.
The above was taken from a book called "How to stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" written by Melody Beattie |