Fear Of Intimacy

Most people want and need love. Most people want and need to be close to people. But fear is an equally strong force, and it competes with our need for love. More specifically, this force is fear of intimacy.

For many of us, it feels safer to be alone or in relationships where we are "unemotionally involved" than it does to be emotionally vulnerable, close, and loving. I understand that. In spite of the range of needs and wants that go unmet when we don't love, it may feel safer to not love. We don't risk the uncertainty and vulnerability of closeness. We don't risk the pain of loving, and for many of us love has caused a great deal of pain. We don't risk being trapped by ourselves in relationships that don't work. We don't risk having to be who we are, which includes being emotionally honest and the possible rejections of that. We don't risk people abandoning us; we don't risk. And we don't have to go through the awkwardness of initiating relationships. When we don't get close to people, at least we know what to expect: nothing. Denial of love feelings protects us from the anxiety caused by loving. Love and closeness often bring a sense of loss of control. Love and closeness challenge our deepest fears about who we are and whether it is okay to be ourselves, and about who others are and whether that is okay. Love and closeness---involvementwith people---are the greatest risks a man or woman can take. They require honesty spontaniety, vulnerability, trust, responsibility, self-acceptance, and acceptance of others. Love brings joy and warmth, but it also requires us to be willing to occasionally feel hurt and rejection.

Many of us have learned to run from closeness, rather than take the eisks involved. We run from love or prevent closeness in many ways. We push people away or do hurtful things to them so they won't want to be close to us. We do ridiculous things in our minds to talk ourselves out of wanting to be close. We find fault with everyone we meet; we reject people before they have a chance to reject us. We wear masks and pretend to be something other than who we are. We scatter our energies and emotions among so many relationships that we don't get too close or vulnerable to anyone---a technique called "watering down the milk" by one person. We settle for artificial relationshiips, where we will not be expected nor asked to be close. We play roles instead of being a real person. We withdraw emotionally in our existing relationships. Sometimes, we prevent closeness by simply refusing to be honest and open. Some of us sit, paralyzed by fear, unable to initiate relationships or enjoy closeness in existing relationships. Some of us run: we physically remove ourselves from any siuation where love, emotional vulnerability, and risk are or might be present. As a friend says, "We all have a pair of track shoes in our closet."

We run from intimacy for many reasons. Some of us, particularly those of us who grew up in alcoholic situations, may never have learned how to initiate relationships and how to be close once a relationship begins. Closeness was not safe, taught, or allowed in our families. For many people, caretaking and chemical use became subsitutes for intimacy.

Some of us allowed ourselves to get close once or twice, then got hurt. We may have decided (on some level) that it was better and safer not to get close, not to risk being hurt again.

Some of us learned to run from relationships that aren't good for us. But for some of us, running from or avoiding closeness and intimacy may have become a habit, a destructive habit that prevents us from getting the love and closeness we really want and need. Some of us may be tricking ourselves, so we're not even aware we're running or what we're running from. We may be running when it isn't necessary.

Closeness to people may look like scary, mind-boggling business, but it doesn't have to be that scary. And it's not that difficult. It even feels good, when we relax and let it happen.

It's okay to feel afraid of closeness and love, but it's also okay to allow ourselves to love and feel close to people. It's okay to give and receive love. We can make good decisions about who to love and when to do that. It's okay for us to be who we are around people. Take the risk of doing that. We can trust ourselves. We can go through the awkwardness and friction of initiating relationships. We can find people who are safe to trust. We can open up, become honest, and be who we are. We can even handle feeling hurt and rejected from time to time. We can love without losing ourselves or giving up our boundaries. We can love and think at the same time. We can take off our track shoes.

We can ask ourselves, are we preventing closeness in our existing relationship? How are we doing this? Is it necessary? Why? Do we know someone we want to be close to----someone who would be safe to be close to? Why don't we take steps to get close to that person? Would we like to initiate some new relationships? How could we do that? Are we needing and wanting intimacy in our relationships but settling for less? Why?

The above is taken from a book called "How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" written by Melody Beattie

I "came to" in CoDA before I was able to see that drinking had something to do with my problem and many of the lessons I learned in CoDA meetings have stuck with me and helped me build my sobriety.

The stuff you posted above is some good solid stuff to relect on as i try to build my life and relations.

As always, thank you Clanmama...

U

hobie

This really hit home for me today...

"Are we needing and wanting intimacy in our relationships but settling for less? Why?"  That's going to be my biggest question to answer... "Why?"

I'm sitting here searching the computer for help in this area. I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict who just recently decided to come back to the rooms. My heart and soul feels like its been ripped from my body. I am trying to work my program to the best of my ability, and its going good some days and others I just cry. I am a single father with two beautiful kids, who just lost the woman he loves to a run that devestated me, my family, and all others. I feel as if I'm on the pity pot sometimes, but I cry over everything. I was watching Mrs.Doubtfire the other day and stated balling when Robin Williams made dinner for his ex wife and kids when he first started the job. I stay in my head sometimes about what my ex might be doing, and I try not to, but it keeps popping up. I did some reading on the co dependency and I fear its me to a T. I feel so inadequate that it becomes debilitating. I was sitting with my children watching the rock and roll hall of fame concert on HBO and when simon and garfunkel started singing a bridge over trouble water, I lost it. I'm torn, are these feelings I'm going through because I am turning everything inward on why we broke up, because I just came back to AA and my head and feelings are all over the place, Do I really love this woman, or is it just a manifestation of co dependency. I'm so lost right now.

I really know where you're coming from on these, as I'm still processing post-break-up as well.  I seem to go back and forth between feeling the genuine emotions and dissolving into self-pity.  I've been told that it's ok to let the emotions overwhelm you, as long as you feel them and let them pass.

Why can your feelings only be one of those things and not all of the above?  Do we have to reason out the why before we can allow ourselves to feel? 

The most important thing is that you're back in the rooms.  Keep coming back.

Not really sure about the feelings part, I'm so used to over thinking everything every wich way thats its hard to sit down for more that 5 mins at a time without staying in my head. But your right its all thee above, in a crazy mish mosh of self pity, denial, jealousy, loneliness, self centeredness, fear I could go on infintum.

And yes it is good I'm back in the rooms, that truly is a weight off my shoulders not worrying about the next one. Count my blessings and not my bruises right, thankyou song, I needed that.

Just feeling, that scares the hell out of me at any given time. I take such a anyalitical approach to everything it drives me crazy. But reading the words "just feeling" puts things into precpecitve a little bit, and talkin with you on this sight is a help. Theres really no room for matters of the heart in AA as far as I'm concerened, at least among men theres not. But there are other recources. If I could only feel what people see! I'm told I'm a great guy, and all that, but for some reason I feel guilty feeling happy. Like if I start to feel happy I feel as if I'm betraying my ex. When in all hind sight shes probablly livin it up. Crazy, lol. All things will work out in time, just need to keep commin back and I need to realize that I have all the love I'll need with my children, at least for now. After all we are still human. Thanks for the ear song. God bless.

How very true. Even in the past I always seemed to look for my feelings through others. Theres no doubt that I have gotten a little better upon entering the rooms.

I know my higher power loves me and accepts me for who I am, now its time for me to love myself and accept myself for what I am. Theres nothing else I can do other than work on the matters at hand.

I too need to find a sponsor. I have a perosn who is working the steps with me, and I'm about to embark on my fourth step, I have yet to ask him to actually sponsor me. I need to take a look at myself, past actions and motives in order to find out what lies beneath. I truly feel that I will not be able to grow unless I do these steps.

All will be well, my faith in my higher power tells me so, at the same time I have to accept that I am human and will go through emotions.

For me personally, I love things that are tangeable. Things that I can touch and hold becasue its real in the physical sense. If you can see it, touch it, and feel it, it must be real. I loved to be loved way before I ever wanted to  believe that a higher power could and would provide all that I need, because there was no real reason to have a higher power in that sense. We are creatures of habit. I'm going from hearing the words I love you, to truly feeling them without anyone infront of me saying them. For a person like me thats one hell of a switch. Nothing changes if nothing changes.  You are right, I do deserve to be happy without someone else telling me I am happy. Whew. thats an eye opener.

You as well song, you deserve what life has to offer, and deserve to be happy. I know we have alot to offer, but first we have to offer ourselves to our selves. God Bless.

For me I need to remember that feelings are simply my mind’s way of telling me what I am experiencing. When I sit and “think about them”, analyze the hell out of them, I start screwing around with what they are and can twist them up all kinds of ways.

I can focus on them until they start to control me.

I can find all kinds of justifications and explanations for them…

But when I learn to be patient enough with myself to just feel them they can illuminate parts of me that I can access no other way. They allow me to find out the parts of me that are still in pain and need to be healed, sadness that I still carry, judgments and resentments I still hold onto even though they no longer belong in my life.

For me my feelings, even when they are not “pleasant” are guides to what is going on within me. Ignoring or controlling them sets me up for more pain and insanity latter, and I’m kind of tire of that.

Hobie: Yes, it's me.  Just passing on some of the sage advice you've shared with me recently. 

Thanks for all the times you've pulled my fingers out of my ears and encouraged me to listen to my emotions.

Thakyou for that, I was having a bad day yesterday with going through what I was feeling, rather than asking help from my higher power, I tried to analyze what I was going through, rather thank just allowing them to happen.