I am so sick to my stomach today with sadness and guilt at having given up three years clean off meth because I put myself in a stupid situation where I just couldn't say no. It was so unfulfilling and unintersting. even as I prepared to use, i told myself to just leave, but it was like I didn't care. I just felt powerless. Then, since I had blown my clean time, I ran to the liqour store and bought booze, then locked myself in a motel and drank for a couple of days.

Now I am just so despondant and depressed that I don't have the three years anymore. It took SO long to get there and it  was my biggest accomplishment. Now I am so discouraged. I don't know if I have it in me to "keep coming back". I am unsure what I want to do.

I understand your sense of loss, but try to look at what you have gained from this experience -- you have gained personal understanding that all we really have is today, no matter how many "todays" we have accumulated.

You are one of the lucky ones who went out and can make it back, if you choose to.  Dust yourself off, get to a meeting, talk to your sponsor, and work the program as if your life depended on it -- because you may not make it back the next time.

Though I understand the guilt and shame that comes with relapse, I urge you to dust yourself off and get back up.

Look back at the last few months and see where your relapse started.  We don't just end up in the type of situation you decide and use. Ya know what I mean? Look back and look when you started slacking on your program. Did you stop taking care of yourself? Did you start using old thinking? etc

There is a definition of relapse that says:

Relapse is a THE RETURN to old behaviors, attitudes, thoughts, emotions, actions that THEN LEAD BACK to active addiction.

Don't give in to the guilt/shame that your disease is feeding you. You say you are unsure of what you want to do. I call bullshit!  I say that because you also state you are despondent over this. The whole unsure of what you want to do stuff is just your disease trying to reel ya back in.

Don't let it!